When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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