as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
