I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
