Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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