Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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