my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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