Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
