I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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