Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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