Do you still have your period?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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