If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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