OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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