like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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