And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
