genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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