what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
