I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
did i walk over a car last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
