I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
