I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
