I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
