i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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