the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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