wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
