I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
