I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I wish there were birth control emojis
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
