Swine flu. Run for my life!
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
