i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
