I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
