I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
