: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just pee around me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
