just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're a waste of cheezeits
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
