the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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