My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
