My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
