well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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