i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Found your dick twin last night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
