Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sarcasm needs its own font
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
