OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
