I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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