before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
