Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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