I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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