im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
