if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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