I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
