you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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