Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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