Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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