he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
