I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
