i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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