We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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