i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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