i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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